I am not ashamed.

This post will be completely out of the norm. This is a post mainly getting things off my chest, really bearing my soul.

I didn't have an easy start in life. For the most part, I have not had an easy life. However, I do believe that life is what you make it, and everything always happens for a reason.

At one point in my life, I don't think anyone really ever expected me to make it to the age that I am now, 25. I never indulged in drugs or alcohol, but I did indulge in self harm, and poor poor choices that lead to destructive behaviour. I was diagnosed, and suffer with Biploar I, and Massive Depressive Disorder. I choose to live my life unmedicated. I rely on my mental strength and the help of my husband to keep me grounded.

From early childhood until early teen years, I was prescribed and took 4 different medications. 1 for ADD, 1 for depression, and 2 for mood stabilizers. I can probably say that only the ADD medicine was beneficial because my grades and overall activity in school improved. Other than that, I was a shell, I was empty, lifeless and without purpose. I spent over 10 years in intensive therapy and was briefly hospitalized. I never want to feel that way again, and that is why I choose alternative methods to treat my mental disorders.

Sometimes I feel like I can say "I've been clean since 2009". Not in the sense that I haven't used drugs or alcohol but, that I turned my life around. I don't really have anything to hide so the more accurate statement would be, I have been clean since 2013. 2013 was a very bad year for me. I was in a very dark place and I was set on self destruction. Nothing I did, nothing Bobby did could save me. I'm not going to go into what happened but I nearly destroyed my life, and everything I had worked so hard to obtain. (wasn't suicide).

I can never express or show how much I love my husband. I caused a path of utter chaos and destruction and tore apart our lives. When my hurrican had finally ended, he was still there. Any other person in their right minds would have bounced the fuck out. Who could possibly be worth that much trouble? Apparently I am. This is part of my problem. Of all the things I've done, of all the things I've been through, I don't feel worthy. It is often hard for me to accept the love from my husband. Sounds stupid right? It is. The years just keep going by, and somehow I feel like I still need to protect myself from being hurt. My husband has never hurt me, and never would. Bobby is pure. Bobby is a sunrise that washes away the clouds in the sky so you can see the sun.

The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I feel like I've been waging a war inside myself and I cannot extinguish the flames. I am holding it together ok on the outside and I'm not taking it out on others but on the inside I feel tortured. The reasons I'm sure are trivial but still a struggle regardless. I sometimes feel like a phony. While I may seem perfectly fine on the outside, happy, laughing, normal, there are times where I'm just really sad. It's kinda like all the things that I have inside spill out from time to time and I need to be sad for a little while before I can reel it back in.

But with all of this being said, I'm also trying to convey that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope, there is healing, and there is management. I get up every single day, I kiss my husband and son goodbye and go to work. I come home, Bobby goes to college and I cook dinner for everyone. My life isn't perfect but it's perfect for me. I have a loving husband, a PERFECT child, and everything I need. There are of course things in my life that are missing like certain family members like my mom, but that's what technology is for. You can never give up, ever. No matter how bad things may seem, tomorrow is always another day and a new beginning. Never be ashamed to have issues that are out of your control.

I'm 25 years old. I've worked at the same place for what seems like forever. I've been married for almost 6 years and I am a mother. I have everything I could have ever dreamed of. If I can do it, you can do it too. Stay strong!

Boy oh Boy

Time for an update! It's so funny to see familiar IP's and locations viewing these blog posts. Don't worry I'll feed you baby birds!!

This month has been just like every other. Busy. September has been a big month. Troy turned 1, and I turned 25. Jeeze. I turned 25, when did this happen exactly? I feel like 2 years of my life literally just zipped by. I got pregnant at 23, and gave birth at 23, now all of a sudden I'm 25! What the hell!Didn't do much for my birthday because let's face it, with me and Troy's birthday being 19 days apart, it's about him not me. For my birthday I got 2 tattoos and we went to Red Lobster. I like to joke and say that us going to my "Annual Red Lobster Pity Trip". I love seafood, Bobby not so much. We go once or twice a year. I wasn't impressed with my food to say the least. Bobby didn't like his of course, and Troy couldn't stop eating like normal.

I am in love with my new tattoos though. It's been 5 years since I had gotten any. Overdue is an understatement. The two I got were very special and unique. I got my anniversary in roman numerals on the side of my wrist. It's insane to think we're going on 6 years of MARRIAGE. Anyway, I also got "Is brea liom tu Robert". Is brea liom tu means, "I love you" in Gaelic. I am over 50% Irish, and Bobby is Irish as well. I definitely got my tattoo fix in. I had been itching forever. I still need to design or find something I want to dedicate to Troy. Nothing has clicked for me yet, and I want to make sure whatever piece I get for him is nothing short of amazing.

Bobby has been in college now for about a month. It's crazy how much time is going by. I wish time would please slow down. I'm so proud of him. He's currently working towards a double major and has straight A's in all his classes. He's doing so well and he's truly an inspiration. Those who grew up the way he did can use him as an example that it's not the way you grew up that defines your life, but the decisions you choose to make. Bobby decided to live a different life and walk a path different from everyone he knows and look at him now. He's such an amazing person, and I am in awe of him everyday.

I continue to work at the same company while I get ready for my career choice that I have finally decided on. After many years, much contemplation, and trial and error I've decided what I want to do. I have decided I want to be a Police Officer. That's not necessarily my end goal, that's working for the FBI as a serial killer investigator or profiler, but that's my dream. If I never get to the FBI, I would definitely aim for a homicide detective instead. Being a detective or a profiler have all my strong suites built into one career. I am highly detail oriented, I am tedious, I am a nit picker, I am good at seeing things from a different perspective, and I'm a damn good investigator. There's no getting anything passed me. Plus I love serial killers. It's just perfect for me. So I'm slowly working towards that while Bobby goes to school. Once he's finished he'll be a physical therapist assistant and I'll be a cop. Two careers our son will be proud of us for achieving.

I think I've rambled enough, and I'm sure I filled the drama meter for those baby birds still checking on me after all this time, lol.

Today is my son's 1st birthday. Here is my birthstory. (Updated W/ Pics)

This is my birth story.

One year ago today, at 7:43 am, I gave birth to the most amazing little person I have ever known. My son, Troy David Robert Allstead.

For those who know me know that my pregnancy in the beginning was very hard. Bobby and I were going through so much that it is amazing how well we did. We had alot of scares, I had genetic tests done, and alot of specialists. In the end everything turned out ok.

I woke up on September 4^th, 2014 at 4:00am. I had hardly slept that night because of all the pain I was in. Troy despite being 39w 4d, was still very high up in my ribs, and was as active as ever. He made me feel like at any moment my skin was going to tear. But how could I be mad at that? My son was awake, alive, and active. Our bags were all over-packed for the hospital and had been for atleast 2 weeks. Bobby and I were relatively calm despite what we were getting ready to do. At 5am we drove to the hospital.We talked about what was about to come, and about normal things. We had become very familiar with the hospital, and the maternity ward because I had been there for a walk through, and complications with my preterm contractions. I waddled my way through the hospital and to the maternity ward where I was greeted by the nurses on staff that morning, was signed in and was taken to my room. Bobby joined me shortly after because he had to find parking and clarify where he could park overnight.

I was given my hospital gown to put on, and was hooked up to all my fetal monitors. The lady who was hooking me up looked under my gown and was for some reason shocked. She had said, “You’re all baby under here”. All I could say was, “Thanks?” I was very small throughout all my pregnancy. No one ever believed me when I told them how far along I was. But I digress. I got very caring and understanding nursing staff that morning. I have a huge fear of needles and did not want the IV I was going to receive to go into my hand. I couldn’t handle it. They agreed to give me an IV in my arm instead which I was so thankful for. After they drew my blood and took down my medical history my doctor came in. He had told me he was so pleased that I was punctual. That means that everything can go exactly as planned. We did get there early so we spent some time waiting on my labs, and just cuddling in bed. That’s when Dr. Knight showed up, it was game time. I wasn’t ready. Dr. Knight told me that he was going to get changed, and that we were going to the operating room. That’s when the fear really hit me. I had misheard what he said and I thought that I had more time before we went to the operating room. They told me that Bobby couldn’t come with me because I had to be set up first. This was terrible for me. I was getting ready to do the biggest thing I have ever done and I had to do the walk alone. I waddled along with the nurses to my operating room as they greeted the doctors and nurses along the way. Every step that I took I swear Troy already knew how scared I was. He didn’t let up for anything. Finally we made it. My operating room, my door.

When I walked into the operating room it was extremely bright. Everything in there was white. But the room overall was absolutely freezing. Freezing to the point where I was shivering and shaking. I was naked under this paper thin gown. Once I sat down on the table I started to panic even more. My anesthesiologist did everything he could do to keep me calm while the doctors and the nurses talked amongst themselves. There was no time to think about anything because it was all moving so fast. The anesthesiologist told me to lean forward and try and touch my toes. This was it, the moment I had been dreading most of all, the spinal. The spinal was a shot directly into my spinal cord. He didn’t tell me when he was going to put it in but I felt it. During this moment is when I thought I had made the wrong decision. What was I possibly thinking? How can I do this? This is a really big mistake. It was a super sharp pain and before I finished saying “OW” the pain was gone and the weird feeling had begun. I had lost all feeling in my lower body. They had to put their arms under my arms and physically pull me up, which didn’t feel good, at all. I was very worried that I was still going to be able to feel everything. I started to panic even more, and started to cry. I asked when I could see Bobby, when I could see Bobby. They told me that he would be able to come in once I was all sterile and prepped.

They started prepping me by putting up my partition first so I couldn’t see. They were touching my legs and I was still able to feel. But what I was feeling was normal. It felt like the same tingly sensation you get when your legs fall asleep and you stand up. After they did all this they started to rub this cold stuff on me. Once they were done doing that Bobby was finally able to come in and sit near my head.

I was never happier to see him then I was at that moment. I also don’t think that I squeezed his hand harder than I did at that moment. My anesthesiologist joined us at my head. He had made sure that I was comfortable and just tried to talk to me. He told me that they had already made the first incision and was trying to tell me what else was going on. I shut him down straight away and told him that I didn’t want to know what they were doing and I only wanted to know when he was almost out. After a few more brief moments he told me that they were going to push down on my chest and that I was going to feel some pressure. When they pushed down on my chest, it felt like there was an elephant standing on my chest and that was it, Troy was here. The first thing that they had said was “Whoa this guy already needs a haircut” Troy then began to cry. It was the most amazing sound. The past 10 months had flashed before my eyes. This crying started as a “Pregnant” on a digital pregnancy test, a blip on a monitor, a kick in my chest, now he was really here, he was real, my son. I started crying instantly and the anesthesiologist wiped my tears as they held him up for us to see. Troy had his eyes closed and a head full of jet black hair. After I saw him I started having a hard time understanding what was taking place. They said “give him a kiss mom” and placed troy against my face and I kissed him, and they took him away.

Before we went to the hospital Bobby and I had many talks about him being very aware and very involved with Troy when he came out. I told him that he needed to make sure that he was ok. They started to perform the Apgar test. I wasn’t able to see a lot of it but the time I was able to see was the time when they were having trouble getting Troy to cry. They were rubbing his back, patting him, basically trying to make him mad so hell cry, and he did. At this moment I felt myself going in and out of consciousness. Bobby squeezed my hand tight and told me to squeeze his hands, keep my eyes open, and to stay with him. They called Bobby over to cut the cord and I wasn’t able to see because of the partition.

Once Bobby cut the cord he came back and joined me at the top of my head and the doctor brought Troy over to me and laid him in front of me and Bobby was holding him in place. Troy wasn’t really crying, but he was whining. I kept telling him that he was a faker and he was faking that he was fine. After a few more minutes with him the doctors told me that they were just about done stitching me up and that we were getting ready to go into recovery. I grabbed Bobby and told him “Do not leave his side, do not let him go anywhere where you can’t go” Then they were gone.

I don’t know if it’s a bad thing, but I was so completely out of it that I wasn’t really that worried. I think it’s because I knew Troy was safe with his dad. The only person that I could possibly trust at that very moment to take my minutes old son away from me. It didn’t take very long for them to finish up and they took off the partition and I almost died. There is some weird thing they placed over my stomach for surgery that was adhesive. So when they pulled it off my stomach looked like ramen, or like when your finger gets all pruney when you stay too long in the water. I had asked them if those were stretch marks and the anesthesiologist assured me no. They covered me up and started to wheel me into recovery.

When we got wheeled into the room Bobby was standing in the middle of this room holding Troy and adjusting his hat. He looked so confident, like he had done this a thousand times before. He was already a natural. This was a really magical moment. I had no partition in front of me, nothing blocking my view and I was sitting fully up. Bobby, Troy’s father, handed me my son. He was so calm, he was perfect and still. I pulled down my gown and put him to my chest. He laid on my chest and I felt whole. They had told me that they were getting ready to give Troy a vitamin K shot. When they gave him the shot he cried so loudly that I instantly started bawling. My poor little booboo was in pain and I couldn’t help it. The crying didn’t last long before he was perfectly at ease on my chest once again. I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed him because they were concerned about his breathing. He was making a sigh/cry when he exhaled and he shouldn’t be.

They decided that they were going to give him an hour to see if he was going to improve. During that hour Bobby was running in and out of the room to get service to talk to my mom who was anxious as could be. My mom was so happy for me and couldn’t get enough of his pictures.

After the hour passed Troy’s breathing hadn’t improved so they had to take him away again and I made Bobby go with him. They put him in a heating bed, and monitored his heart and gave him a bath. They waited a little longer till he was cleared to come back to my room. During this time I was sitting here alone, scared to death about Troy. When Bobby finally came to my room to tell me that he was ok, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn’t much longer before Bobby and the nurse were wheeling Troy into my suite.

Bobby again handed me Troy, and I had the go ahead to breastfeed. I was so lost on how to do this and I wasn’t sure I was doing it right. This is a moment I will never forget in my life. As I was talking to Bobby about it, and telling him how everything I had read tells me that when a baby latches, you’d know it. At that exact moment, Troy had latched. It was the most amazing thing ever, my baby boy had latched and began to feed. He was a breast feeding champion. It did take a little time for him to be able to latch properly on both breasts but like I had said, he was a champion and got it down pat in no time.

Now that I finally had Troy with me and he was perfectly fine, we took this time to take lots of pictures and send them to family and friends. My mom got the majority of the pictures and like everyone, was amazed at all his hair. All I could do was just look at him. I was simply amazed at this little boy. He was perfect in every way, and I was surprised that I had made this little boy. He came out of me. And just a few hours ago he was kicking the crap out of my ribs. He spent the majority of the time overall sleeping. I had the hardest time putting him down. I would have loved to have bed shared with him in the hospital but that wasn’t an option.

There are no words to describe how tired I was after I had Troy. I got absolutely no sleep the night before because I was so anxious. I woke up so early and headed to the hospital then had Troy. I had never been so tired in my entire life. After you have a C-section, you’re checked on constantly because it is major surgery. I swear to god that every time I nodded off or finally fell asleep a nurse had come in to check on me and Troy. I appreciate the follow ups but man….I don’t think I slept more then 1-2 hours at a time my entire duration I was in the hospital. I also couldn’t sleep because I was too scared. In hospitals they swaddle babies to keep them warm and comfortable. Troy however liked to sleep kind of on his side. I was so overly paranoid that if I fell asleep, he was somehow going to roll over on his face and suffocate. I cannot tell you how many times I called, and or texted my mom panicking. She told me to just relax and calm down and that he was going to be fine. But I still couldn’t do it. So instead I stayed up, watched crappy TV and slammed as many apple juices my nurses would bring me.

Before I knew it, it was time to bring Troy home. We were both well enough to be discharged after 2 very long, long days. There are no words to describe the paranoia of driving your 2 day old child home in the car on the way home from the hospital. Bobby drove so slow!! We were so happy to be home, and I was so happy to come home to a pristinely cleaned home with all of my necessities close near my bed. Bobby made all the preparations for coming home that we eased right in. Giving birth is hard, scary, exhausting, and amazing. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my husband, my mom, and my family.

I'm a lagger.

So I know that I have been semi absent from my blog but there is a good reason. Aside from doing this written blog, I have also been spending time doing video blogs and running a youtube channel where from time to time, I am also doing vlogs. I bought a new laptop today for my online blogging and youtube stuff.

I've also been spending alot of time with my neighbors. I think everyday last week Tambri has came over and spent the day here. It is really nice to socialize and have people around. Especially good people like the Oritz/Andersons. In such a short amount of time they have become a steady part of our lives. Both our families help eachother out and we seem to all function well. Their daughter is a really lovely young lady. Shes high spirited and sassy. Her and Bobby are always going at it. Even as we speak theyre bantering over indoor around the world. Her moms sometimes wonder if she's wearing out her welcome by spending so much time at our house, but its really far from it. We enjoy having her here and spending time with us.

Last night we did Monopoly. It was Tambri, Stephanie, Jackie, Bobby, Myself, and their friend Breanna. For the most part, it was a really good time had all around. We drank, had fun, and played 5-6 games. It was that new empire monopoly. Man....that game is so much different then the other old school monopoly and the games unfortunately end pretty quickly. But other then that we had a good time.

I also find that in such a short amount of time, and all the time were spending with eachother were kind of meshing and all blending together. Theyre being introduced into our world of Troy and UFC, and were being introduced into the world of Reborns and Squishies. Reborns are what Stephanie and Jackie do while Squishies are what Tambri does. I find it amazing how fast I am learning about their worlds. I was able to identify a Reborn kit Jackie had done and it made me really happy to see how happy that she was that I was taking the things that they tell/teach me serious and am retaining the information. I have also learned about Squishies and am able to pick out the good Squishies from the not so good Squishies.

Well it's almost 7 and I have more work to do on my YouTube channel...Until we meet again!

A quickie.

Today i'm going to make just a quick post. Today was relatively cool. Much more laid back then this entire crappy week. Work was a breeze today. I spent the majority of the day texting back and forth with my cousin Andy. It was nice because it was alot of catching up and just chit chat. Kinda like not much time passed at all. Turns out he even likes UFC. Hes a rhonda fan so he's on my shit list with that lol.

After work our cool ass neighbors daughter came over. I have been fixing up her laptop for her. Once I get to know people enough and I can see that they're good people like they are, I offer up that I am very good with computers and technology overall. I am very selective because I have had people severely abuse my skills in the past. But theyre really awesome people. I wish we gotten to know them sooner. Theyre daughter is really great so we decided to invite her to a garage sale we have to do tomorrow. It'll be fun and keep the tension out of the air.

Bobbys uncle at times can be very hard to deal with. Him and Bobby seem to be in a perpetual argument. Its just way too much testosterone. Plus theyre both stubborn people. We have to get up super early to get there and get everything all ready...I'll only have a 1 day weekend, but well have Tambri with us and that will keep us entertained as well as giving her moms some time to themselves. Garage sale with Troy is going to be quite interesting. Ugh lol. I definitely dont want to be there all day..

Wish us luck lmfao.

Is it Friday yet?

Can I just stress how crappy this week has been? I spent close to FIVE hours correcting someone else's mistake at work. My boss gave me a fat stack of work and asked me to just check that a certain part of this form was entered into the database and if it wasn't, enter it. I was prepared for a few not to be because lets face it, shit happens. But I wasnt prepared for NONE of it to have been done. I didnt say anything and bit the bullet but damn. I have so much of my OWN stuff to do I dont have time to spend close to a day fixing your shit too. But I digress.

I finished another book today. The 4th Mortal Instruments book, City of Fallen Angels. I must say that I was impressed with this book and liked it much more than the majority of the last one. Since there is only 6 books in this series I decided to hold off on the 5th book until tomorrow. I dont want to finish it TOO quickly. However, it is inevitable. I read so much these days. I did my own calculations and determined that I average about 6 books a month. I also compiled a list of all the books I've read since March. Let's break it down shall we?

1. Fifty Shades of Grey
2. Fifty Shades Darker
3. Fifty Shades Freed
4. Grey
5. Flowers in the Attic
6. Petals on the Wind
7. If There Be Thorns
8. Seeds of Yesterday
9. Divergent
10. Insurgent
11. Allegiant
12. The Hunger Games
13. The Storyteller
14. Into the Light
15. Out of the Dark
16. Into The Fire
17. Gabriels Inferno
18. Gabriels Redemption
19. Gabriels Rapture
20. The Mortal Instruments - City of Bones
21. The Mortal Instruments - City of Ashes
22. The Mortal Instruments - City of Glass
23. The Mortal Instruments - City of Fallen Angels

For those of you who are like, "How do you read so many books?" It's audio books my friends. I listen to audiobooks all day at work. It's literally one of the only things that help me make it through the day. I found a really great torrent site specifically for books. I abuse the shit out of it But anyway, I'm a bookworm nerd. I always have been. The scariest thing is when my current series ends, what am I going to read next, the struggle is real.

I'm just waiting for my little hellion to go to bed so I can relax and watch a movie. It's been a really long and bullshit day.

Wednesday

Happy Wednesday.

Man. Today was so boring dramawise. I had a pretty normal day. Normal for me though, not overall normal. I had plenty of work to do today, and even topping it off, I had a walk in that refused to leave and my boss came and helped me lay the smack down. I'm not really rude, but they sit me up there to be firm. I literally had to tell this woman and her family that I didnt care why she was there, or how far she drove to get there because noone, including me, could help her. Before you think 'Oh man what a bitch". Anyone who applies with CAMTC knows we dont take walk ins. Hell, it's even on our website that we dont, and if you're seriously driving to our office to speak to someone rather than calling, you done fucked up anyway and you know it. Not to mention they sit in the downstairs lobby for an hour and try and come back up and confront me 1-2 more times. But whatever.

On top of my normal day for some reason Michael Keaton came up in conversation with my husband. I had said that when I was younger I wanted Michael Keaton to be my baby daddy when I was little. I then texted my mom some quotes from Johnny Dangerously starring of course, Michael Keaton. I told her I wanted Michael Keaton to be my baby daddy when I was little. My mom replied with "Im ok with that". You know typical mother daughter conversation. I love my my mom though. She's hilarious. She has that serious no nonsense humor. I miss her alot. She lives all the way in NJ. I thought about her alot today. I thought about her and home so much that when filling out some paperwork today I wrote I lived in NJ. Can you guess what's on my mind lol? Clearly my family.

I reached out to a family member recently that I havent spoken to in YEARS. I'm glad that he accepted my friend add and we've actually been exchanging messages for a few days and it's been really great. He and I were pretty close when I was younger. I technically did him wrong in the past and Ive had to live with the guilt on that for quite some time. I had to bite the bullet and try and explain to him what happened and why I did what I did that led to us not speaking for years. I hope hes forgiven me and he said that hes not holding any grudges. Well see if it gets better and I can manage not to mess it up again.

I'm chilling out because I've been like habitually fatigued for weeks and weeks now. I dont know if its because I work so hard or because im a mom, or both. Probably both. I dont have too much to say because I am tired and I know that I need to keep up with this because I said I was going to. Back to relaxing and Daniel Tosh stand up.