I am not ashamed.

This post will be completely out of the norm. This is a post mainly getting things off my chest, really bearing my soul.

I didn't have an easy start in life. For the most part, I have not had an easy life. However, I do believe that life is what you make it, and everything always happens for a reason.

At one point in my life, I don't think anyone really ever expected me to make it to the age that I am now, 25. I never indulged in drugs or alcohol, but I did indulge in self harm, and poor poor choices that lead to destructive behaviour. I was diagnosed, and suffer with Biploar I, and Massive Depressive Disorder. I choose to live my life unmedicated. I rely on my mental strength and the help of my husband to keep me grounded.

From early childhood until early teen years, I was prescribed and took 4 different medications. 1 for ADD, 1 for depression, and 2 for mood stabilizers. I can probably say that only the ADD medicine was beneficial because my grades and overall activity in school improved. Other than that, I was a shell, I was empty, lifeless and without purpose. I spent over 10 years in intensive therapy and was briefly hospitalized. I never want to feel that way again, and that is why I choose alternative methods to treat my mental disorders.

Sometimes I feel like I can say "I've been clean since 2009". Not in the sense that I haven't used drugs or alcohol but, that I turned my life around. I don't really have anything to hide so the more accurate statement would be, I have been clean since 2013. 2013 was a very bad year for me. I was in a very dark place and I was set on self destruction. Nothing I did, nothing Bobby did could save me. I'm not going to go into what happened but I nearly destroyed my life, and everything I had worked so hard to obtain. (wasn't suicide).

I can never express or show how much I love my husband. I caused a path of utter chaos and destruction and tore apart our lives. When my hurrican had finally ended, he was still there. Any other person in their right minds would have bounced the fuck out. Who could possibly be worth that much trouble? Apparently I am. This is part of my problem. Of all the things I've done, of all the things I've been through, I don't feel worthy. It is often hard for me to accept the love from my husband. Sounds stupid right? It is. The years just keep going by, and somehow I feel like I still need to protect myself from being hurt. My husband has never hurt me, and never would. Bobby is pure. Bobby is a sunrise that washes away the clouds in the sky so you can see the sun.

The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I feel like I've been waging a war inside myself and I cannot extinguish the flames. I am holding it together ok on the outside and I'm not taking it out on others but on the inside I feel tortured. The reasons I'm sure are trivial but still a struggle regardless. I sometimes feel like a phony. While I may seem perfectly fine on the outside, happy, laughing, normal, there are times where I'm just really sad. It's kinda like all the things that I have inside spill out from time to time and I need to be sad for a little while before I can reel it back in.

But with all of this being said, I'm also trying to convey that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope, there is healing, and there is management. I get up every single day, I kiss my husband and son goodbye and go to work. I come home, Bobby goes to college and I cook dinner for everyone. My life isn't perfect but it's perfect for me. I have a loving husband, a PERFECT child, and everything I need. There are of course things in my life that are missing like certain family members like my mom, but that's what technology is for. You can never give up, ever. No matter how bad things may seem, tomorrow is always another day and a new beginning. Never be ashamed to have issues that are out of your control.

I'm 25 years old. I've worked at the same place for what seems like forever. I've been married for almost 6 years and I am a mother. I have everything I could have ever dreamed of. If I can do it, you can do it too. Stay strong!