Sick of being sick

So as the title explains, I'm sick of being sick. For the last 2 and half weeks I have been pretty sick. I thought that I had the flu and actually saw a doctor for the first time in god knows how long. The only time I saw a doctor over the past few years was my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Troy, and all the genetic specialists where I had my prenatal procedures done. I don't like going to the doctor and I try and just rough it out. But boy did I learn that I cannot be doing that anymore. When you have a kid, you need to stay on top of yourself because if you don't, you can't stay ontop of them.

I went to the doctor 2 mondays ago and was told I had the flu. After a few days I actually started feeling worse. It got to the point where my neck was completely stiff and my tonsils and glands were completely swollen. My doctor told me to go to the ER and I did. They told me that I have a respiratory infection and strep. I have been on antibiotics and painkillers since Saturday. They were a little over zealous and gave me liquid Vicodin. I have barely used it because I really hate painkillers and how they make me feel. Painkillers for me are emergency only. I have like 3 bottles left over from when I had Troy because I just don't use them. I went to work today and it was a relief. I got sent home yesterday morning due to potential of being contagious. So I was happy to get back to being busy and making the day go by quickly.

Troy is currently asleep thank goodness. Bobby told me that he didn't sleep at all today which led me to believe it was going to be a rough night for me. I think he was worn out at the store. I had to run to Walmart today after work when I got home to get my mom's birthday gift. I'm going to do my best to make it a two parter. I mailed out her card today, and as I'm writing this, I forgot to get Troy to sign her card. Ugh. Sorry Mom! I know you read this blog from time to time so you're not getting any birthday gift spoilers, sorry!

I've been binge watching The Secret Circle on Netflix and I'm getting close to the end so I'm taking a breather. I cannot believe it was cancelled after one season. This is Firefly all over again. I watched this when it first came out and really enjoyed it. I'm enjoying it alot more this time around. I cannot see why they wouldn't have renewed this. I can't find anything terrible about it.  But I digress. Bobby is at school, I'm exhausted, and hungry. Waiting for Bobby to get home from school so we can have dinner, hang out a bit before we go to bed.

Signing off for now! Ta Ta!

Not much going on.

I can't believe October is almost over and Halloween is next week. Bobby and I already got Troy's costume and it's so fitting. We got him a little devil costume. We were literally in the store less than 5 minutes before we decided. Overall Troy is an extremely good baby. He listens extremely well, is respectful, happy, and so eager to learn. However, hell hath no fury like my tired child. Lawd hammercy. So Troy isn't really a devil child unless he's tired.

Our neighbors moved out and left the front house vacant. We decided that we are going to move into that house. It needs work and we're going to make sure that it gets taken care of first this time around. Someone I work with who's in need of a place to stay will most likely be moving into my old unit with their significant other, I already let them know that we're pretty anti-social and it won't be weird and we wont bother them simply because we work together, We most definitely learned our lesson.

Things have been busy but not out of the ordinary. Bobby is nearly done with his midterms which he has received A's on every single one. It's so nice to see all his hard work paying off. He's so smart and it looks like it comes to him so easy. He juggles everything so well. As always, I am so proud of my husband. I cannot wait until he graduates and starts working in the profession he is working so hard towards. Me on the other hand had my tutor push the start until next weekend. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty bummed it got pushed back a week. I have been so anxious to start since the beginning of the month. I have waited this long I can wait a little longer right?

I've recently tweaked my eating habits to work on loosing the last of my baby weight I gained going back to work and after a week in I'm down 4 pounds. Not bad in my opinion. I really dont have much left to loose so it shouldn't be too hard. It's very imporant to be realistic and positive. I weighed 137 when I got pregnant and I was 164 when I gave birth so I had only gained 27lbs during my entire pregnancy. I lost it all instantly and gained a little going back to work during the holidays. Holidays are a killer. I enjoy clean and healthy eating and it suits us well. Plus since the beginning of this month, Troy has been walking nonstop so chasing after him is helping, amusing.

I really don't have anything else to say. I gave Troy dinner, a bath, clean set of PJ's and now he's asleep. Just me, my laptop, Netflix and Achilles. Just waiting on Bobby to get home now.

Uneventful

Things have been pretty uneventful on my end. Not much goes on when you're a fulltime working mother. I was so swamped with work last week that I was sure I was going to have to stay afterwork off the clock on Friday to finish. If there is one thing I'm OCD and crazy about it's time. Time management is one of my specialties. I'm always convinced I may be late to work (never have been), I'm not going to finish my work by the end of the week but it's never happened. I love being able to manage myself. I enjoy the solitude of my position. It allows me to listen to books, music, and documentaries while I slam out the work. I have been listening to Breaking Benjamin religiously. I have always LOVED BB. They're new album is just as good as Dear Agony. But I digress.

Nothing exciting has happened lately. Bobby and I cut Troy's hair this weekend. I'm still a little sad about it. When Troy was born he had jet black hair that wound up falling out and growing back like mine. His hair is/was beautiful. Wavy, soft, thick golden brown locks. He looked like a little surfer baby. But as my mom always used to tell me, "Shannon it's hair, it'll grow back". That was one of the great things about my mom. With tattoos and piercings she was very strict but with hair, there werent many limits. Lord have I had some shitty hair cuts in my life. I hope to be the same type of parent my mother was and still is to me, to Troy. My childhood had many set backs and I often wonder what could have happened if I wasnt adopted but a biological child of my mom. Maybe some things could have been different or never happened.

Thinking about parenting is very hard and is very scary. I don't like to yell at my son and I don't like to tell him no. When he's horsing around when he should be asleep rather then listen to me he just laughs, but with his dad its a completely different story. I dont want to be a push over and I want to do a good job. I dont really have anything else to say right now. Bobby's at school, midterms are coming up and Troy's been asleep for awhile. Blah

Obsession, Morbid Curiosity, Unhealthy Habit?

I have been fascinated by anything horror literally all my life. My dad introduced me into horror movies when I was young. My earliest memory of horror movies I've seen was The Leprechaun and Scream on VHS. Leprechaun gave me nightmares for years, but I got over it. I literally don't watch any other kind of movies other than Horror and True Crime.

When my dad passed away untimely in 2005 I was only 14. It was sudden, tragic, and completely unexpected. This fueled my fascination with death. I think every young kid/teen who goes through the death of a parent becomes naturally curious about death on their own so for me, I went banana sandwich. My passion is serial killers. Oh god I love serial killers. I've watched too many to count. I take it pretty serious actually, but it's funny. My husband had a college thesis where he had to critique a student's essay from like 1991 about the death penalty. It talked about a serial killer and specific facts I had already known, so reading the other person's essay I completely dissected it and helped him write the thesis and correct all the errors the other person had. It was so funny because he told me only I would know this stuff.

With all of this being said, this week I have been stuck on the Columbine Massacre. For those who are unfamiliar, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were senior high school students that massacred 12 students and 1 teacher. I have spent every day this week dissecting everything I can find about the massacre, to the shooters themselves. I feel like I am finally able to paint a pretty clear picture. I think this is a fascinating case where the mixture of high school stress, being an outcast, unpopular, bullied, parents who were not involved with their kids, and becoming an adolescent went haywire.

When you look up about Adam Lanza and James Holmes it’s hard to really paint a picture because all we know is what we read and what we are being told. With Dylan and Eric, man, nearly everything was made public. Their personal journals, their websites, home video footage (to an extent, basement tapes were sealed and destroyed earlier this year), even their parents journals were made public. While it's still hard to understand what exactly made them decide to shoot up their school, we got to see inside their minds and it's really sad. What can make 2 seemingly normal kids hate themselves, life, and people so much. I think when it really comes down to it, people don't understand just how much bullying can affect people. No matter what you tell young kids in high school, high school is everything, their world. You can't explain to them after high school none of it, and no one from it will matter. Dylan and Eric were so close to graduating and being rid of all the people who tormented and bullied them. Sadly they were so consumed in their own self-loathing and the need for revenge they couldn’t hold on.

I'm on the other side of the fence. While what happened was so extremely tragic, I sympathize with Dylan and Eric. They were so consumed they couldn't recover. Eric was even on anti-depressants and didn't seem to improve. I also sympathize because it is clear their parents clearly weren’t more involved with their lives. Had their parents cared a little bit more, maybe they would have seen their journals, maybe they would have seen the stashes of weapons and explosives in their rooms. If they had cared to ask questions they may have seen things with their children were clearly not right. I feel like if their parents were more involved, this could have possibly been avoided. There was a time a gun store had called Eric's house and his dad picked up by mistake, and the store called to let him know that his clips and ammo were ready. Rather than ask further questions, the dad simply told the store that he hadn’t ordered and ammo or clips. Wouldn't you think that was weird? How could someone possibly call someone else by mistake about ordering this kind of thing? Eric later wrote in his journal that if his dad had asked more questions, everything would have been ruined.

I just really can't shake this story. I don't think I'm going to stop looking into it for a while. I'm currently working on reading their journals. I have already read the transcripts for their "basement tape" videos. I was sad to read that earlier this year those videos were destroyed. They were never made public or released due to fear that other people would take ideas from them and carry out similar heinous acts. But come on, have you read the news lately? When are kids looking at videos like this and carrying out school shootings? They seem to be doing just well on their own.

I am not ashamed.

This post will be completely out of the norm. This is a post mainly getting things off my chest, really bearing my soul.

I didn't have an easy start in life. For the most part, I have not had an easy life. However, I do believe that life is what you make it, and everything always happens for a reason.

At one point in my life, I don't think anyone really ever expected me to make it to the age that I am now, 25. I never indulged in drugs or alcohol, but I did indulge in self harm, and poor poor choices that lead to destructive behaviour. I was diagnosed, and suffer with Biploar I, and Massive Depressive Disorder. I choose to live my life unmedicated. I rely on my mental strength and the help of my husband to keep me grounded.

From early childhood until early teen years, I was prescribed and took 4 different medications. 1 for ADD, 1 for depression, and 2 for mood stabilizers. I can probably say that only the ADD medicine was beneficial because my grades and overall activity in school improved. Other than that, I was a shell, I was empty, lifeless and without purpose. I spent over 10 years in intensive therapy and was briefly hospitalized. I never want to feel that way again, and that is why I choose alternative methods to treat my mental disorders.

Sometimes I feel like I can say "I've been clean since 2009". Not in the sense that I haven't used drugs or alcohol but, that I turned my life around. I don't really have anything to hide so the more accurate statement would be, I have been clean since 2013. 2013 was a very bad year for me. I was in a very dark place and I was set on self destruction. Nothing I did, nothing Bobby did could save me. I'm not going to go into what happened but I nearly destroyed my life, and everything I had worked so hard to obtain. (wasn't suicide).

I can never express or show how much I love my husband. I caused a path of utter chaos and destruction and tore apart our lives. When my hurrican had finally ended, he was still there. Any other person in their right minds would have bounced the fuck out. Who could possibly be worth that much trouble? Apparently I am. This is part of my problem. Of all the things I've done, of all the things I've been through, I don't feel worthy. It is often hard for me to accept the love from my husband. Sounds stupid right? It is. The years just keep going by, and somehow I feel like I still need to protect myself from being hurt. My husband has never hurt me, and never would. Bobby is pure. Bobby is a sunrise that washes away the clouds in the sky so you can see the sun.

The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I feel like I've been waging a war inside myself and I cannot extinguish the flames. I am holding it together ok on the outside and I'm not taking it out on others but on the inside I feel tortured. The reasons I'm sure are trivial but still a struggle regardless. I sometimes feel like a phony. While I may seem perfectly fine on the outside, happy, laughing, normal, there are times where I'm just really sad. It's kinda like all the things that I have inside spill out from time to time and I need to be sad for a little while before I can reel it back in.

But with all of this being said, I'm also trying to convey that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope, there is healing, and there is management. I get up every single day, I kiss my husband and son goodbye and go to work. I come home, Bobby goes to college and I cook dinner for everyone. My life isn't perfect but it's perfect for me. I have a loving husband, a PERFECT child, and everything I need. There are of course things in my life that are missing like certain family members like my mom, but that's what technology is for. You can never give up, ever. No matter how bad things may seem, tomorrow is always another day and a new beginning. Never be ashamed to have issues that are out of your control.

I'm 25 years old. I've worked at the same place for what seems like forever. I've been married for almost 6 years and I am a mother. I have everything I could have ever dreamed of. If I can do it, you can do it too. Stay strong!